


Noted

by jigokunooji



Series: MysMe [1]
Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-28
Updated: 2019-07-07
Packaged: 2020-05-28 08:56:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 4,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19390774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jigokunooji/pseuds/jigokunooji
Summary: Just some journal entries written by Saeran Choi that tell a story





	1. entry 1

2/7/13

dear stupid fucking diary,

Jumin bought this stupid notebook journal thing and is making me writing write in it so i dont harm myself or anyone else. I think its bullshit but whatever. Anyways i guess i should give this journal a name but i will do that another day. Thinking takes too much effort. My day was a fucking shit show. Zen was being a narcisstic asshole as usual and Jumin had to calm me down. I dont know he didnt let me at him since he cant stand Zen either. I guess i will never fucking know. Jumin reccommends recomends? i dont fucking know but you know what i mean but he says i should start seeing a therapist. I hope he doesnt force me because im not fucking going. I dont need to anyway. For what? That was only one time i tried to harm myself. IM NOT FUCKING INSANE! Jumin really angers me sometimes. Hes so demanding and pushy sometimes. Even if hes looking after me its annoying. Anyways i miss Rika. My saviour. She knows i need her but she disappeared without saying anything. How could she do that to me? I have nobody now! Despite having Jumin its not the same. I need Rika. I will lose my mind! Where did she go? My saviour...come back. Please come back. What will i do without you?

ok so its me again. i took a break from writing. Jumin is stupid if he think thinks writing fucking helps. Nothing helps. My saviour left and he thinks everything will be fucking ok but it wont. I want to find Rika and run to her. Ask her why she left and beg her to come back. Jumin should be lucky. If he didnt make my favorite meal i would have destroyed everything. My brother is so stupid sometimes. Giving Elizabeth the 3rd a nickname as dumb as Elly knowing Jumin hates it. Even though i hate to agree with him i do agree Luciel has no right to give her that nickname and basically abuse her. Jumin said he is not even allowed t stupid pen! ok back with a new pen. I hate pens so much. They just run out of ink and it fucks everything up! But as i was saying. Jumin says isnt even alowed allowed to come over because he will just abuse Elizabeth the 3rd with his "hugs" and "playfulness". Swinging a cat around and squeezing them is abuse and not playing. I hate him sometimes and i hate Jumin even though sometimes he brings me mint chocolate chip ice cream. Anyways im done fucking writing. I hope this is good enough for Jumin because at least i made a fucking effort.

P.s. Jumin if you are reading this i fucking hate you 


	2. entry 2

2/13/13

Dear asshole,

yes im fucking back. Jumin keeps bugging me to write. I dont get it. Is this what normal people do express themselves because if so they are stupid. Im writing on a stupid piece of paper to nobody that nobody is ever going to read. Anyways whaterer whatever. Jumin is forcing me to see a therapist. Hes having Jaehee find a place for me to go and honestly? He must think im joking when i tell him im not fucking going. I am so serious. I have no reasons to go so im not going. Does he think im insane? Is that it? I will show him... Ive done nothing to show that i need help. Luckily Elizabeth the 3rd keeps me calm even though i dont really like cats. Jumin always has me watch her when he goes off to work. It botherd bothered me at first because im not a fucking babysitter. But i learned to tolerate? is that how its spelled? Who fucking knows. But i learned to tolerate her i guess. I hope Jumin isnt cancelling out park "date" tomorrow although its not a fucking date. I may be a fucking homosexual but im not into Jumin like that. Hes just taking me to the park because i been wanting to go for a month now. But he was also SO "busy" that he couldnt take me. Anyways my day was better than yesterday. Luciel and his girlfriend took me clothes shopping because i apperently "needed a new style". Whats wrong with the leather jacket and red tank top? Thats my go to outfit. Even though his fashion choice isnt the best he did end up picking out something that i ended up liking. It was a purple suit jacket with matching purple pants, a black vest and a white shirt. I might wear it to the park tomorrow if i end up going. 

I miss Jumin. Although i hate to admit it. He went off to work and wont be back for another few hours. Sitting in this huge house all alone. Makes me want to do things. I want to go out for a walk but i am not allowed to leave the house without Jumin. Sounds like a prisoner doesnt it? Thats how i feel sometimes as much as he tries to reassure me that thats not the case. I know hes lying though and i know the reason why im not allowed out of his sight when he is home. He acts like hes my father and i hate it. Sometimes its comforting though. He is the kind of father my actual father never was. Even though i dont know much about him. He basically fucking abandoned me and never cared. Jumin is not like that though. Hes protective. Sometimes too protective and its fucking annoying. But i guess i can understand. Anyways thats all i have to say and my hand is cramping. Im not doing this shit again...


	3. entry 3

2/15/13

dear asshole,

i have only done this three days and its already feeling like a chore. Jumin keeps "reminding" me to write everyday. I lie sometimes and say i wrote even though i want to tell him hes fucking stupid because not everyone writes everyday. Some people live boring lives and have nothing to write. Im one of those people. I spend everyday looking after Elizabeth the 3rd and impatiently waiting for Jumin to come home. Yesterday was different though. We did end up going to the park. Not a date even though it felt like one. I enjoyed it i guess. The weather was nice and the birds were out. The date not date at the park made me realize something though. I dont know if it is admiration or affection or what the fuck ever i feel for Jumin. Im not going to think too much about it but as i said before i dont see myself liking Jumin like that. He is just someone who looks after me because everyone else fucking abandoned me. Even Rika... i never thought my own saviour would abandon me. I thought she cared. I thought she loved me and would never leave. But it was all a damn lie! I was too stupid to realize she never actually cared because if she really did she would never have left. But she did... and now im stuck all alone and abandoned. And Jumin thought writing would help. It doesnt. It fucking doesnt! Hurting myself is the only way i feel better. Not writing in some stupid notebook for nobody to ever read. Maybe i should do it. Maybe it will make me feel better than writing has. But Jumin...he will find out and then really force me to see a therapist. Im fine mentally though at least i think. Only i would fucking know but i dont. I dont know whats normal anymore. I dont know whats not normal. Im not living if i never wanted to in the first place so i just simply exist. Does that fucking mean i need help? Maybe they are actually the ones that need help for thinking i need it because i clearly fucking dont! I want ice cream...Jumin better get me more. I should call him.

Ok so i called him. That asshole...who is he to say im demanding when he's the one always trying to be demanding? I fucking hate him. All i wanted was my ice cream. Anyways im done fucking writing. Im angry because Jumin is stupid so im going to play with Elizabeth the 3rd or something until he gets home. Hopefully next time i actually have something interesting to say because im running out of ideas.


	4. entry 4

2/17/13

dear fuckface,

im back once again. since ive been "gone" i have discovered something but i will save that for last. i start therapy next week and i am dreading it. why? just why? they are going to think im crazy arent they? I really don't understand why I need to go. what will I myself gain from it other than a headache? They will probably tell me everything i have already heard so many times. Rika is not bad for me everyone is just stupid. Rika has saved me from the pain i went through with my mom. She is the reason i am actually happy. I didnt have to deal with anyone. Not even my brother...when everyone else abandoned me Rika was there. She dissapeared though and that empty feeling is back. Im just glad i have Jumin though. I dont feel completely alone even without Rika. Even though he makes me angry sometimes i am thankful that he gave me a place to live. I guess i should now say what i mentioned in the beginning because its going to be long. So im gay if you werent paying attention in my other entry and didnt know. I do not know if Jumin is though. He's a "professional" business man who claims he doesnt have time for relationships. But i realized these past couple of days that i have a crush on him. In fact a huge fucking crush. I guess i am what people would say "gay for him". I would like to know if he is. Maybe i can attempt to cook his favorite meal. Have a dinner date? No thats too gay. I will just ask him straight up. But find the right time. How should i word it? "Are you gay Jumin?" No. Too straight forward. Shit! What if Jumin reads this before i get the chance to ask him? If so Jumin i like you. Maybe we can fuck sometime? No. Just ignore that. Anyways yeah. I like you Jumin. I hope you are gay otherwise this is going to be fucking awkward. Or if not just pretend you never read this and we shall never speak of it okay? But anyways i feel a lot better after admiting that. I hope Jumin feels the same way. I get really fucking lonely sometimes. Nothing to do, nobody to do. He should be home any minute now so maybe i will ask him then. If i can even figure out how to fucking ask. I am lost. Anyways i am done writing for now. I have to go think about how i am going to ask him.

Bye fuckers


	5. entry 5

2/19/13

dear fuckface, 

I'm back again. So here's what happened. After Jumin got home a couple days ago i atempted attempted? to ask him but bitched out last second and instead asked him what his favorite food was. im a fucking actual idiot. but then yesterday i tried again. i went with the straightforeward "are you gay?" because again im a fucking idiot. He didnt give me a direct answer but he didnt deny it so maybe i should confess how i feel? No thats just dumb. Only stupid people confess how they feel. At least face to face. I dont want to look dumb if i get rejected. I will just write what i want to say on a piece of paper and have Elizabeth the 3rd give it to him. Or just leave it somewhere for him to see when he gets off work. Maybe i should keep it short and say "hi i kinda like you alot. if you dont feel the same then just act like you never saw this and we shall never speak of it ok? If you do though maybe you should come and fucking tell me so i dont look stupid" yeah thats perfect. Maybe i will add something or i dont know. Now all i have to do is write it down and leave it somewhere for him to see later. This better fucking go well or im going to be mad for making myself look dumb. Knowing Jumin he will probably still mention it if he doesnt end up liking me too. If thats the case i will just run away and go and find my saviour. It will save me the pain and embarassment. Anyways im taking a break for now.

So im back and i have some really great news. Jumin came home and saw the note i left for him. I dont know what his reaction was when he read it but he came to me and told me he is not 100% sure how he feels but starting a relationship and seeing where things go would be a good idea. So i guess we are dating now? Or would we be in the pre-relationship stage? Who fucking knows but i am glad that i didnt end up looking like a complete idiot more than i already did yesterday. Maybe i can cook him his favorite meal even though im not the super romantic type especially when i consider talking about hacking into an orginization and taking it over a good starter conversation. Hopefully he appreciates it though even if i almost burn down the entire kitchen at least i tried? Anyways im fucking tired. Im done writing. I wish for good but im stuck doing this until who knows how long. 

Bye fuckers >;)


	6. entry 6

3/4/13

dear fuckface,

I'm fucking back again. I hid this damn thing and told Jumin i lost it. I felt bad after a while though because i was lying to him and this "relationship" whatever the fuck Jumin wants to call it just started. He keeps telling me it will help but im what? 6 entries in and its not helping a damn thing. And so far neither is therapy. Also even worse news they put me on meds and i cant pretend i took them because Jumin and his stupid cameras. Anyways i attempted at making his favorite meal but it got cooked a little too much so i threw it out and he ordered food from some fancy restaraunt because apparently pizza is "commoner food". But whatever, it was good i guess. V came over as well. He won't tell me anything about Rika. Every question i asked, he ignored. Why won't anyone give me answers? Did something happen to her? Did she tell them not to tell me? If she did, why? Anyways Jumin is planning our first date. Knowing him he's going to make it romantic and fancy, something he knows i don't like too much but whatever makes him happy i guess. I was thinking for our first date we could go to an amusement park but knowing Jumin is he really going to do that? The answer is no. Fucker doesn't even know what fun is. His idea of "fun" is drinking wine on the balcony with Elizabeth the 3rd. That just sounds stupid to me but i like him a lot so i have to put up with it. Speaking of liking him though. I am still so confused about my feelings. It's been almost a month since i discovered my feelings for him and I am not sure if i should tell him i love him yet. Is that too soon? Actually i dont care. I'm not expecting him to say it back when i do tell him but he needs to know how i feel. And if he doesn't accept it then fuck him. Not actually. That's my job. I dont even know if this is directed to anyone. Im just writing because im forced to. Jumin always says it will help. Yeah and drinking wine on the fucking balcony will stop you from being stressed. I wish i could insert emojis because i would add the eye rolling one. But since this is paper and pen and it would be stupid to draw one, that's not going to happen. Anyways i think i have written enough for today. Maybe i will update on the whole admitting my feelings to Jumin thing. Don't expect it.

bye fuckers (insert middle finger emoji)


	7. entry 7

3/10/13

dear fucklord, 

yes im back with a new insult. Dont like it? Youll get over it. Anyways these past few days have been a nightmare. Something happened to Elizabeth the 3rd and Jumin blamed it on me. I may have been a little bit dramatic when i "ran away" but y'know, i was tired of him and needed to get away. Things are ok now though. Well not really but we are working on it. I never had a real relationship like this or just one at all so i dont know how im supposed to act or what im supposed to do. I just go with it and i am sure of my feelings for Jumin so i dont want to ruin things. Anyways besides that Jumin says he has a surprise for me next week which will also be the same day of our one month. He said its not a gift though so im guessing he's going to take me somewhere romantic and fancy. Also maybe i should clarify this even though if you think this you are just absolutely fucking dumb. But i am not dating Jumin for his money or popularity or what the fuck ever. Even though i hate getting all soft and constantly expressing my feelings and emotions i do genuinely like Jumin a lot. I want to see where things go and possibly be with him for a long time. Anyways enough of that. You couldnt tell but i was cringing on the inside the entire time i was writing that. Im not really the romantic type and get all lovey but that doesnt fucking mean i dont deserve love or dont deserve to be in a relationship with someone and genuinely love them. Ok now im done rambling. I hope Jumin gets my favorite ice cream. It feels like forever since i last had it and i have been craving it almost all day. Maybe when he comes we can eat ice cream together and watch a movie. Or is that too cute? I would suggest something i would like but he will probably be tired by the time he comes home so a movie is my second option. If only i fucking knew how to cook. I could surprise him. Unless i learn for him. I want to impress him and show him how much of a good boyfriend i can be. Because even though i have my moments and fuck everything up sometimes i want to make this work. And even at times where i believe i dont deserve to be loved because of all the shit i have put the RFA through. I dont want to mess it up. Jumin is giving me a chance and this might be the only chance i get. Anyways i feel like this has been going on forever and my hand is cramping up so im done for the day.

bye fuckers >;)


	8. entry 8 {final chapter}

3/17/13

dear fucklord,

Today is the day. It feels like time has gone by quick but me and Jumin have officially been together for 1 month. Again i feel like i should clarify so no dumb fuck thinks otherwise. I may not seem all "excited" and "happy" because 1. this is on fucking paper and pen. How much emotion are you going to get out of a journal entry? Also 2. i am happy i just dont like to show too much emotion. I should say though that since making it official with Jumin things have somewhat gotten a lot better. And i dont mean with Jumin and I. I mean with myself. Even though we are still so early into this relationship i have learned some things, i have been a bit more happier because of him. I dont feel like i have to hide who i am or how i feel from him. Everyone sees him as some rich guy who seems to show no emotion but from how i see it i think otherwise. Anyways that was too much for me. I do have something to say though at the end of this that will be totally shocking because i know for me it was. But im just now realizing i probably should have put the time maybe in the beginning or whatever so when i look back on this, its not so confusing. But its nighttime currently so me and Jumin already spent our day together and did our thing if you know what i mean. But it was nice i guess. It was fancy and romantic like i expected but learning more about Jumin as the days go on, that's just how he is. Although he seems to think money is the solution to everything and everything has to be about money which is kinda showing off a bit to me. I dont know if that is just how he is or if he likes to show off but i think its stupid at times. Im not expecting expensive things or fancy dinners everytime. Like i have said before, all i have ever wanted was to just be loved and be happy. Whether you have a lot of money or not. At the end of the day it doesnt matter to me. All that matters is that i dont lock myself in a room, crying everynight because i wish things would end. Which by the fucking way i dont do anymore and havent for years because again im not insane. I really dont get why i feel i have to repeat myself all the time but whatever. Anyways since i feel its finally time to say this. After our dinner date or whatever you want to call it, Jumin and i had a discussion and he told me he loved me...


	9. entry 8 {alternate ending}

3/16/13

dear diary,

so i havent been completely honest. all the times i said theres nothing wrong with me, that i dont need help, that im not insane. It wasnt true. I have been hiding it all because i did not want to be sent away to who the fuck knows where. This is all so hard for me. Living, pretending everything is okay, pretending to be happy, pretending that i dont want to die. I have struggled for so long and some days i cant take it and today is one of those days. I really dont fucking know why im explaining all of this when its probably plain obvious if Jumin is having me write in a stupid fucking journal. But quite frankly, im suffering. I want it all to end. Everyone has abandoned me. My mom, my brother, my saviour. Im alone and although i know i have Jumin who im glad i have in my life its just not the same. What did i do to deserve this pain? What did i do to be treated this way? Why wasnt i raised by people who didnt care about me? No. Why was i even born if all of this was going to happen? Maybe i should just quit...nobody would care anyway. Its not going to make a difference to anyone...I dont know. I need to go think about this. Maybe i will change my mind or maybe not. So for now im just going to leave it at this. And if there's no update then you already know where i am...

**Author's Note:**

> I know this is technically the end but im thinking about possibly writing a bonus chapter which won't be heartbreaking like this chapter. so stay tuned for that >;)


End file.
